Three Long Nights

I've spent some time studying Abraham and the test God required him to go through.  I've wondered what was on his mind as he and his son as well as servants, donkeys carrying the bundle of bedding, and firewood talked about as they traveled the three days journey to Moriah.

I wonder how much they talked about what lay ahead or was it even discussed.  Part of that question is answered when we read the 22nd chapter of Genesis because it was God who spoke to Abraham and not to anyone else who traveled with them. 

To be asked to sacrifice Isaac sounds tragic and a horrific act of worship.  However Abraham grew up in a home where his father was very much involved in Idol worship.  Stories handed down through the ages, (however the story never made it into the Bible) is said that Abraham when he was Abram escaped death by the furnace where he was thrown.  The King feared he was going to overthrow him when he got older so he tried to kill him.

We know it didn't happen, for if this was true or even if it isn't, God showed Himself strong in Abraham's behalf. 

Why then would the Lord ask this of him.  Let's face it; there is something about the face of our children that overtakes us with the strongest love one can experience.  Even though we as women have the labor of hard pain bringing them into the world, our husbands love those children as much and as well their heart gets intertwined with that child. 

That said, the journey to Moriah was not an overnight camping trip.  It was a long three days journey on foot, having to stop and rest at night.  I wonder if he dreaded getting up in the morning just to do the same thing again' head toward the end of his journey with his son.

However long we count it, three nights and into the next morning, or two nights and three days it had to be the most difficult nights of his life.  Though by all accounts Isaac was now in his 30's the reverence he had for his father was that of a trusting son knowing Abraham would do nothing to harm him.  But for Abraham knowing what the Lord had required of him, those days of traveling had to be the hardest and longs days of his life to that point.

I believe it was a night time of the soul.  I believe also, that even as much as we can speculate the ending of the story is what the Lord God Almighty wanted us to know. 

Well on the Home Front

Blogging has been my passion in times past.  Well for that matter, writing has been my passion.  While life takes it twists and turns however I find passion being laid by the wayside to deal with more pressing things.  You feel that way?  I figure you do. 

My husband is doing great on the medication he is on for dementia.  Knowing him before the meds and now, would lead me to believe he doesn't need it.  He is more alert and involved in life than he has been in a long time.  Recently he had a rough week-end, but kept telling me it was something he ate.  We held off about calling the paramedics, and opted to see a Doctor on Monday.  I'm not sure, hind sight being 20/20 we should have waited, but too late to look back now for sure.

While the Doctor was seeing him on Monday, he had a heart attack.  The Doctor went into action quickly, called the cardiologist who agreed to see him at the hospital.  He called the paramedics, both Conway fire and ambulance showed up and it was code blue for awhile (if I understand code blue that is....).  The medics took him through the emergency room, and straight into the OR where the cardiologist Dr. Norris was waiting with his team.  They did find a 90% blockage on the back side of his heart - inserted a stent and moved him to CCU.  He stayed in Atrial Fibrallation until three weeks later when we were told yesterday he was in sinus rythm and doing fine. 

I don't like the slowing down process.  No I do not.  I watch Dr. Oz and he has all the right answers on how to live well, stay well, feel young, look young, and stay young, but by the end of the show I have forgotten what he said!!!  Now I've decided I need to start a "book club" type get-to-gether among Dr. Oz watchers only call it "THE DOCTOR OZ CLUB".  That way anyone who feels as I do could watch the program, take notes and come together to discuss what we've learned or missed or our theory of his ideas after or even before we've tried them.

My husband made the educated calculation yesterday, "by the time we bought all that stuff he talks about we wouldn't have any money for groceries."  I laughed but told him I was inclined to agree.  I want to live as long as I'm feeling well.  Don't want to be a burden on anyone.  So as long as taking a supplement and doing a few exercises would help with that desire to have vim and vigor and vitality, then it should be worth a try.  Right?

Trust life is going great for you.  You have voted or have made plans to vote.  You obeyed Second Chronicles 7:14  "If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land."

We really do need God to intervene in and for our Nation.

Doris

Starting month TWO

I'll apologize for the last post a few weeks ago.  I am feeling  much better.  Well not really, I did not sleep last night.  When the weather starts changing and getting a dab cooler, the pain of arthritis is so severe I cannot sleep.  Thus it starts my day of sluggish from lack of sleep.  Otherwise the subject of this blog lately has been a questionable diagnosis we are coming to terms with.

My anger has subsided as I said, and for the most part people have gained insight on how to greet Dad by asking direct questions concerning his health with out feeling intimidated.  That said....

Our appointment went well with the neurologists on Wednesday.  Greg went with us and heard the same thing I did.  There was no mention of the severity of dementia as there was last month.  I think he (Dr. Wright) was pleasantly surprised at how well he was doing.  I did not mind telling him "I wonder if you've misdiagnosed him".  He was quick to tell me he had not and I explained why I made the statement.

He accepted the medication had done the work and would check him in three months with more "memory" test.  So again it is a hurry up and wait and see situation.  I choose to believe the medicine may have helped, but prayers were also answered. 

I was told after the MRI tests were in (by a nurse I suppose, or an office worker) that there were NO ABNORMALITIES.  No abnormalities.  Part of anger on my last post was from questions they would not/could not answer.  So if there are NO abnormalities, then what the diagnosis of severe dementia?  Sounds like a fair question to me.  She would not give me an answer other than "The Doctor will discuss that with you at your next appointment".  So we have lived with the "misinformation" since then of there being no abnormalities.

I told the Doctor about the information I had, and he made me repeat it.  Then added, "Oh there has been a misunderstanding somewhere - there are abnormalities."

I'm thinking, they weren't my misunderstanding.  That's what I was told.  Either way - I'm hearing him explain the dead brain tissue that is NOT part of normal aging.  We left his office with at least something to plan around, and keep out in the open as far as our family is concerned.

Can it be reversed?  Dr. Oz says it can be.  I haven't checked it out, but believe me I will.  Dr. Oz has been on target on many things, so I'll go www'n and find the hour program he devoted to the subject.

I'll be back.  You've started this journey with me, and I'm glad to have a place to vent.  As long as you don't love me less for getting angry, not having all the answers, or being human, this ride should be a good one and educational for us all.

Doris

Walking Through Valleys

I’ve been too mad to write these past few days.  I can’t even tell you why.  I did have a conversation today that may shed some light on my outburst of anger.  My blood sugar is probably high.  I don’t check my sugar levels as I should, so when it is high I am not aware of how high.  I took the excuse - and agree that is the possible reason, however does it excuse my feelings of aggravations?  I’m not sure it would hold water with the Lord.  Even though there is no question He loves me.  You and I love our children.  They can do nothing to make us not love them.  They are our flesh and blood.  Yet we have to shake our head in disappointment when we see them out of control or throwing tantrums.  Not that I have been that bad, but of course I did not stand back and look at myself either.

I don’t like those days of not having answers.  It is like being in the middle of a test I didn’t study for, and groping for the answers to somehow appear in my mind so I can write them down.  It is like having to take a test I did not want to take either.  Anyway one looks at it, you’ll have to agree with me - answers to questions stirring around in my mind will need answering soon.

Verlon is doing so well I am questioning the diagnosis.  Of course he is taking the wonder drug Namenda and that may have him in the present time living in this century.  He is so normal, I’m having problems with the fact that he may be taking medication he doesn’t need because a Doctor (who did not know him, had no record of him before their initial meeting) has declared “he has dementia and it didn’t happen in the last three weeks.  This is severe and it has been coming on for a long time.”

“OK,” I have to nod.  Who am I to argue?  He is the Doctor and I know what I have seen and experienced at least this past year which seemed to be getting worse with each passing day.  His words sounded like an on target diagnosis at the time.  For sure “Dad” had not been with me for several weeks.  For the sake of repeating myself, he was mentally gone.  He came back after one 5mg dose of the medication.  Is that how it works?  Is it that much of a miracle drug?  Does it work with everyone this way?  Can I start leaning again on the man who has returned from his short journey to nowhere?  Do I dare relax and begin living again in my home with hopes of being here awhile longer?  How long will this last? Or is it permanent? 

When ask the question that is on the minds of many who have heard and sympathized, my blood pressure goes up for I do not have an answer to satisfy their ignorance.  It bothers me when people treat him like a moron who has no feelings, or the ability to answer a civil question concerning his health. 

“You don’t need to be driving, you may get lost…..”  Oh really now? Is that something one says to a seeing impaired person?  I don’t think so.  And neither does one say such unfeeling stuff to a person who has just received a diagnosis that doesn’t make sense.   Entreat him with a “Hello pop, how are you today?  Man it is good to see you up and around”, to which he can then reply with dignity “I am doing much better today thanks for asking.”

Where is our couth?  (very good manners or great social sophistication)  Evidently social graces have been thrown out the window with good grammar and compassion.  

As I said earlier I am angry; angry at my inability to understand.  Understand people at this point.  I’ve decided I am looking for normal responses to both of us who are closely scrutinizing the word that has been introduced into our lives.  I have to do research which is not a bad thing, as there are so many resources at my fingertips anymore to help me understand things I don’t.  And from what I am learning, there are no two cases exactly alike. 

Is it heredity?  Not necessarily?  It is an answer of “yes and no”.  Well that’s helpful!!  My dad died at almost 103 and his mind was very alert up to the last two-three weeks of his life.  What makes the difference?  I don’t know.  My in-laws died of other causes - not dementia.  Does it skip a generation if indeed it is inherited?  Your guess is as good as mine.

OK, I’ll agree with you who are thinking I’m jumping the gun.  I’m running amuck and traveling 100 miles down the road farther than I actually am.  Why not wait until September 5, and hopefully the Doctor will clarify all the gnawing questions - with good answers I can hang my hat on. 

So if you should feel the need to ask me a question concerning our diagnosis - don’t.  Not for a while at least.  My blood pressure goes up and I start having heat flashes - and today I stayed in Atrial Fibrillation for several hours.

You can however ask me “How are you doing?”  “How is pop doing”?  I’ll be glad to report we are doing each day what the day requires of us and very little more.    I may have more to report after our next Doctor’s visit.  I’d like nothing more than to set your mind at ease that either

1.    He will be on this medication for the rest of his life.

2.    The Doctor had to admit he made a rush judgment, as he did not have the entire test in front of him - like the MRI and blood work. 

3.    He apologized but could not compensate for the disruption of one family and many lives causing anxious moments due to his rush. 

Oh yes, these are the things I’d like to say to you - however…….

I’m experiencing the valley between the mountains I’m sure.  I’ve been there before.  It wasn’t this mountain, so the scenery is different this time.  The one cloud of dementia hangs heavy so I can’t always see the son, which I know is shining.  I wonder why one all ways feels alone when walking in Valleys?  David said, “Yea though I walk through the valley, with the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me.”   OK I got that one - he walked through the valley.  He didn’t stay there - did not linger there ­- he walked through.

I understand  now.   I’ll be on yonder mountain soon.  I’ll just have to keep walking and not be so hard on myself when I stump my toe - or get sore feet from walking - or even get angry.  It will be better again I’m sure of that. 

Doris

Week Three

Tomorrow will start our third week of adjusting to a diagnosis no one wants to hear.  Really we don't want to learn anything about it either, until we are forced to.

So far we can talk about it.  Not that we get anywhere with the talk, but at least we have it out in the open - on the table to examine what we can see and question what we don't understand.  I've said before there is no one who can or will give us a "what to expect next" list.  It just ain't out there.  That is all right however, I believe there are no two people alike making the dementia journey as unique as the patient himself. 

Namenda = one of the first meds a dementia patient is given, has brought him back momentarily.  I say momentarily - but I truly do not know.  I could get use to the "new" person who sleeps in my bed and eats at my table.  However, on every hand I've been warned that it won't last.

"I don't know where I was back then", he ventures to say.  For sure it was at least three weeks he wasn't here.  Bodily he was;  however mentally and even emotionally he was somewhere I could not get to.

Even though the Doctor asked questions that could have been probing - he could not give a correct answer.  I wanted to help him, "write a sentence" as the Doctor instructed.  He set there, looked up, then down and around and finally at me.  I had done very well being quiet and not trying to help him, until now and I ventured, "Write a sentence on where we are going when we leave here".  I may have caused a block, but at least he attempted to write a sentence.

"I don't know where you were that day or even a couple weeks before then", I go on to say while we talked about the darkness that had engulfed him.  I only wish the Doctor could have seen him then and then now.  He is with me 99 percent of time now.  I do get questions repeated, but that is minor compared to "back then" when he was gone. 

I tease that I have my merry maid back again.  He has always enjoyed cleaning the kitchen for me (after all I do the cooking).  It is an agreement we've always had and for several weeks my kitchen was all mine again.  It is not a secret either that he does the wash.

Now that has been a source of contention for years, until he finally learned to "leave my stuff alone".  In his helping, he has had to stand back when I purchased new clothes because something originally white had turned pink.  Sorting the clothes and strongly suggesting he leave them the way I had sorted them finally sunk in.  It really does help to have my "merry maid" back doing the wash now that he doesn't put towels in with my lingerie, or keep red clothes until there is a load to be washed by themselves.

Ain't life grand?  There are times in life when things we get so upset about seems to be trivial at other times.  I've learned to look at life in light of "What will it matter 100 years from now?"  Getting bent out of shape doesn't help a thing.  Causes ulcers and they hurt.  But really - it don't help anything?

We;ll see what tomorrow holds.  Until then.....

Doris

Week Two

Today starts week two since the Doctor dropped the bomb on us.  Each day when our feet hit the floor, our brain has had time to wake up and smell the coffee; we often re-live that hour in the Doctor’s office.  Regularly, we find we are still picking up the pieces of our thoughts, putting them back together and viewing them in some semblance of order.

Dementia is an ugly word.  Not to mention the other words which have emerged in the last couple of decades that are supposed to sound nicer even cleaner or clinical.  It is what it is; and learning to live with the label is left up to the individual and those closest to them.  Is there help out there to learn the stages, and what one can expect during each stage?  I don’t know yet.  I haven’t had time to find what is available.  Right now I’m too mad to ask.  Pardon me today, I need to vent.
Call it the medicine Namenda if you like, call it a misdiagnosis as I like, but either way, I’ve decided that with each person/patient no one can give us a “what to expect, when….” list.  Each person is different.  So…

1. Do I dare hope things are going back to normal? 
2. Do I dare start again to plan for six months from now or even two months down the road, like a vacation trip?  
3. How about having a normal conversation again?  Can I hope for another one tomorrow?
4. Has this medicine really made a world of difference in 7 days’ time? Or was there a rush diagnosis, bordering on a wrong diagnosis?  They tell me not to hope.  How can I not hope?  I see him hoping.

I don’t know.  This is one of those days, I am close to tears.  The financial business of our lives hasn’t stopped.  The paperwork, the filing  of insurance forms, getting forms signed, meeting with attorneys - things I’ve had no need for before, are presenting themselves and it is almost overpowering.  I’ve always handled the financial affairs, but now I am tired and shuffling figures is consuming. 

It is now I need a friend.  For why, I’m not sure.  Would I talk things over with a friend, or would I go on in my pride and pretend I’ve got it handled?   Maybe they would take me by the hand and run away with me for a few hours. Make decisions for me,  it sounds nice but I truly don’t know.

I’ve been told time and again, I analyze too much.  I wish I knew how to stop it.  It is such a part of my makeup I’ve had trouble “casting down imaginations” as I am instructed to do from II Corinthians 10:5  “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”  That is one I’m having to constantly work with. 

Maybe I need to get out of here today and hit a few flea markets, or the dollar stores; a diversion of sorts.  It would be nice to go into my yard and look at the fruit of all my labors in the spring.  It would be nice.  However, the drought left no sign that I did anything productive in the early part of the year.  Dead sod I watered faithfully each afternoon for months, shows no signs I really did try to keep my investment alive.  Depressing.  So there is no excitement in thinking about what awaits me in my yard.  It is too hot to sit on the deck, or on the front porch in my husband’s “razorback” rocking chair. 

I look forward to cooler weather when I can enjoy my deck.  I love sitting there doing nothing more than lending my ear to the bird calls from tree to tree, or watching the squirrels scurry from branch to branch, or finding their supply of food under the leaves on the ground, to put away for a winter meal.

I know I’m rambling; it is part of keeping a “thought” journal.  My thoughts are inconsequential.  I’ll probably look back on all this in a few years, and feel sorry for myself, that I could not verbalize any better.  The writer in me seems not to care how it sounds or reads, so I just write.

What have I learned today?  Not sure of that either.  Other than “mama said there would be days like this”.  Hehe.  If it wasn’t Mama, it was someone who thought like her.  I don’t know who to thank for reminding me - there are others who have it much worse than I do.  My prayer is “Lord please help me to bless them with my prayers.  I’ll need that blessing returned to me soon enough.”

I am going for Hospice training next week.  My intentions when I signed up in May were to possibly sit with families who need what Hospice has to offer;  did not have myself in mind when I signed up to volunteer that day so long ago.  It was only in May, but it really does seem so very long ago.  We’ll see.

Doris

August 10, 2012

The CONSTANTS in our life.

How quickly things change.  Life, circumstances, people; nothing remains a constant.  Tangible things concerning life as we know it cannot be depended upon as a place to hang our hat or even hopes. 

Yesterday was a good day.  Conversations flowed, plans made, and even went to the Department of Revenue to renew a CDL licenses.  One that may never be used, but placed in his billfold where he can look at it when he wants to, or show it as a form of identification, it is there and he knows it.  It will stand as a reminder he had a respectable job and provided for his family with a license such as this.

That was yesterday.  Today is already looking different.  Questions that have been answered before are being asked again.  Questions that were answered only minutes earlier, beg to be answered again.  I answer them as though this is the first time I have said the words.  The irritation I have felt so many times before does not show this time.  I can’t promise they won’t tomorrow or the next time I hear the same question.  I’ll take it a day at a time, a moment at a time even, and trust in the one who puts “a watch over my mouth and keeps the doors of my lips” to give me patience again. 

I’m human I’ve decided.  Never been a saint, even though the Bible refers to Christian believers as such.  It is a word I can’t use to describe myself for sure.  I somehow picture living Saints as rigid. They have a demeanor of a sour puss, a holier than thou attitude; lofty even.  No, I sure don’t want that to be me. I don’t want that view of a saint to even be associated with me. 

However maybe one day the legacy of me being a saint may take on the actual meaning Paul had in mind when he wrote to the church at Philippi.  Recorded in Philippians 4:21 the Bible says: “Salute every saint in Christ Jesus. The brethren which are with me greet you.”  KJV  

The Good News Bible (GNB) makes it a little clearer by saying it this way: “Greetings to each one of God's people who belong to Christ Jesus. The believers here with me send you their greetings.”   I’ll admit, my vision/slant on Saints may be a bit unfair and for sure unbalanced.

So maybe I’ll move on from that word and come back again to HUMAN.  Yea, that is what I am.  Human with faults and flaws so huge, I get irritated when I have to re-do something that should have been done right in the first place.  I don’t like repeating myself either.  Open your ears and listen to me the first time, and we’ll both be the better for it, is my philosophy! 

Impatient is another word I’ve used to describe me.  As much as I need others to be tolerant with me, I should remember how much I need to extend tolerance even more.  Ah well, I’ll admit I’m real hard on myself sometimes.  I may go through a lot of self-evaluation the next few years.  No telling what I’ll learn about myself.

As for constants in our life; is there a constant?  I have to think so.  We may not be able to depend on the solid ground of our life here and expect it to hold us up forever.   We marry, have a family, plan for a future and maybe even look toward retirement.  We look to the years of not having to watch the clock, or punch a clock even.  Knowing those days will come, yet never being able to anticipate the effect of what the change in lifestyle will mean.

We may be able to carry out our plans, but eventually the last road trip is taken¸ the last cruise is a memory and our days seemed to be filled with Doctor appointments instead of plans to see another part of God’s world.  With each Doctor’s appointment behind us, we then go to the Pharmacy to get yet another new medicine filled.  It may take a while for us to realize things are changing, and the day we did not want to keep in the telescope of long range things to think about - is indeed here. 

It is then we realize the Constant in our life, or the lack thereof.  I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about the Constant or Perpetual in my life.  It isn’t my home.  I’ve lived in many places, and owned three homes.  In each one I LIVED, took each day as it came and enjoyed what came my way as much as possible.  You can correct me if you wish.  We have owned 3 homes.  We have lived in many places.  I know.  Yet it is my thoughts I’m thinking through.  I cannot speak for another.  I realize I did not live in them alone, however I did and do live with my own thoughts and they are privately mine, until I choose to share as I am doing now.

So where is my life’s CONSTANT?  We all need one.  As children, it is our trusted Parents who are always there.  Day in day out, they can be depended on.  I always knew Mama would be there when we got off the bus on any given school day.  I knew there would always be a homemade “tea” cake waiting to help curb our appetite until the chores were done and supper would be ready.  

Yet Mama Died.  Yes it was only after I had found my way, and didn’t “rely” on her as I did those years after school that she left me.  However for a while at least, I remember her as being always there.

Yet in my twilight golden years (as it is referred to) I’ve learned that people CANNOT be there for me to depend on always.  However it doesn’t take me long to sweep my life with a panoramic view of my conscious memory and realize my true and Constant Companion has been my Lord. 

His Word has NEVER failed.  His friendship, His ever presence, His supply, has never diminished.  I have no reason to believe it will be any different now that each day could bring even bigger changes in life as I know it. 

It is back to my trust word from Hebrews 13:5  “…I will never leave you; I will never abandon you."

Doris

August 7, 2012