I’ve been too mad to write these past few days. I can’t even tell you why. I did have a conversation today that may shed
some light on my outburst of anger. My
blood sugar is probably high. I don’t
check my sugar levels as I should, so when it is high I am not aware of how
high. I took the excuse - and agree that
is the possible reason, however does it excuse my feelings of
aggravations? I’m not sure it would hold
water with the Lord. Even though there
is no question He loves me. You and I
love our children. They can do nothing
to make us not love them. They are our
flesh and blood. Yet we have to shake
our head in disappointment when we see them out of control or throwing
tantrums. Not that I have been that bad,
but of course I did not stand back and look at myself either.
I don’t like those days of not having answers. It is like being in the middle of a test I
didn’t study for, and groping for the answers to somehow appear in my mind so I
can write them down. It is like having
to take a test I did not want to take either.
Anyway one looks at it, you’ll have to agree with me - answers to
questions stirring around in my mind will need answering soon.
Verlon is doing so well I am questioning the
diagnosis. Of course he is taking the
wonder drug Namenda and that may have him in the present time living in this
century. He is so normal, I’m having
problems with the fact that he may be taking medication he doesn’t need because
a Doctor (who did not know him, had no record of him before their initial
meeting) has declared “he has dementia and it didn’t happen in the last three
weeks. This is severe and it has been
coming on for a long time.”
“OK,” I have to nod.
Who am I to argue? He is the
Doctor and I know what I have seen and experienced at least this past year
which seemed to be getting worse with each passing day. His words sounded like an on target diagnosis
at the time. For sure “Dad” had not been
with me for several weeks. For the sake
of repeating myself, he was mentally gone.
He came back after one 5mg dose of the medication. Is that how it works? Is it that much of a miracle drug? Does it work with everyone this way? Can I start leaning again on the man who has
returned from his short journey to nowhere?
Do I dare relax and begin living again in my home with hopes of being
here awhile longer? How long will this
last? Or is it permanent?
When ask the question that is on the minds of many who
have heard and sympathized, my blood pressure goes up for I do not have an
answer to satisfy their ignorance. It
bothers me when people treat him like a moron who has no feelings, or the
ability to answer a civil question concerning his health.
“You don’t need to be driving, you may get lost…..” Oh really now? Is that something one says to
a seeing impaired person? I don’t think
so. And neither does one say such
unfeeling stuff to a person who has just received a diagnosis that doesn’t make
sense. Entreat him with a “Hello pop,
how are you today? Man it is good to see
you up and around”, to which he can then reply with dignity “I am doing much
better today thanks for asking.”
Where is our couth?
(very good manners or
great social sophistication) Evidently
social graces have been thrown out the window with good grammar and compassion.
As I said earlier I am angry; angry at my inability to
understand. Understand people at this
point. I’ve decided I am looking for
normal responses to both of us who are closely scrutinizing the word that has
been introduced into our lives. I have
to do research which is not a bad thing, as there are so many resources at my
fingertips anymore to help me understand things I don’t. And from what I am learning, there are no two
cases exactly alike.
Is it heredity? Not
necessarily? It is an answer of “yes and
no”. Well that’s helpful!! My dad died at almost 103 and his mind was
very alert up to the last two-three weeks of his life. What makes the difference? I don’t know.
My in-laws died of other causes - not dementia. Does it skip a generation if indeed it is
inherited? Your guess is as good as
mine.
OK, I’ll agree with you who are thinking I’m jumping the
gun. I’m running amuck and traveling 100
miles down the road farther than I actually am.
Why not wait until September 5, and hopefully the Doctor will clarify
all the gnawing questions - with good answers I can hang my hat on.
So if you should feel the need to ask me a question
concerning our diagnosis - don’t. Not
for a while at least. My blood pressure
goes up and I start having heat flashes - and today I stayed in Atrial
Fibrillation for several hours.
You can however ask me “How are you doing?” “How is pop doing”? I’ll be glad to report we are doing each day
what the day requires of us and very little more. I may have more to report after our next
Doctor’s visit. I’d like nothing more
than to set your mind at ease that either
1.
He will be on this medication for the rest of
his life.
2.
The Doctor had to admit he made a rush judgment,
as he did not have the entire test in front of him - like the MRI and blood
work.
3.
He apologized but could not compensate for the
disruption of one family and many lives causing anxious moments due to his
rush.
Oh yes, these are the things I’d
like to say to you - however…….
I’m experiencing the valley between
the mountains I’m sure. I’ve been there
before. It wasn’t this mountain, so the
scenery is different this time. The one
cloud of dementia hangs heavy so I can’t always see the son, which I know is
shining. I wonder why one all ways feels
alone when walking in Valleys? David
said, “Yea though I walk through the valley, with the shadow of death, I will
fear no evil for thou art with me.” OK
I got that one - he walked through the valley.
He didn’t stay there - did not linger there - he walked through.
I understand now.
I’ll be on yonder mountain soon.
I’ll just have to keep walking and not be so hard on myself when I stump
my toe - or get sore feet from walking - or even get angry. It will be better again I’m sure of
that.
Doris
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